i just don't care anymore

so today i spent 2 hours on the phone being interviewed for a book about people who have lost weight. They're interveiweing people who are at the start, middle, near the end, and have kept it off. I'm near the end, and will admit, i've lost a few toddlers or 2/3 a supermodel (70lbs) so far.

While we were talking, I talked about the behavior modification i've engaged in. It isn't just about "don't eat more than you work off." I truly believe that if you're significantly overweight, there's a reason, usually emotional eating, and it MUST be dealt with, or you should just go buy some really fat pants and move in.

the person interviewing me asked me a few questions about that and so i referred back to this past weekend. I went to a toddler birthday party for one of my crack whore cousin's kids (the one she gave up, but still gets welfare for and is about to get into trouble for welfare fraud b/c CPS took the other kid and can't find this one). anyway, i like the kid and my relative who is raising this kid, but i don't like CW, so i went, but didn't expect much.

Many of my relations haven't seen me in 6-12 months, so they got a small shock. i knew my mom was going to be there, and we haven't really talked beyond "i'm fine, i hope you are" and then walk away fast in 16 months. I thought i'd give her a small chance, just see if there's any reason for me to allow a relationship. All the women folk sat and chatted while the men folk grilled and the kids played at the playground within sight of the pavillion the party was at. about half-through the party my mother looked at me and said "you look good, but your hands are so sloppy. I don't know how your husband can stand it. now that you're attractive, you need to do something about your nails. you need to let them grow out and buff and paint them to show off all that jewelry he's bought you." REALLY?!?! it's been 16 months and that's ALL you have to say to me?

I was so upset. then it hit me. she had nothing else to say. It would kill her to say "you look good" or "i'm proud of you" without the backhanded comment attached to it. She just can't do it. I will never be good enough for her. and I just don't care anymore. I looked good, mandolin didn't stain my shirt for once, so she couldn't crab at that. I ate appropriate food and made sure to keep all topics i engaged in away from religion, politics, weight loss or anything else really beyond "i'm fine, i hope you're okay" with everyone, so my mother couldn't pick at that. it must have killed her for 2 hours sitting there in misery wanting to have a go at me and having nothing to say until she hit on the ONE THING that she found lacking, my short nails. how does someone live while that miserable? because let's face it, her behavior is that of someone who completely hates themselves and everyone else.

i took a deep breath and then explained how that long nails don't fit in with being a stay-at-home mom to a young child, and that i don't have a maid, how much weekly manicures would cost and how else i'd rather spend that money. I then explained how disgusting i find long nails on most people. I see people wih very long nails work with food and i cringe knowing that they don't spend the 4 minutes with the hard bristly brush scrubbing under and around the nails and all over their hands like they should SEVERAL times a day, especially after going to the bathroom. I don't want to know what funky nasty stuff is lurking under those talons, and i don't want it in my food. Sure, a lot of that is in my head, but a lot of that is realistic. There's a reason food service workers aren't supposed to have the long trashy nails and it isn't just because one could fall off, it's the hand washing.

After a 2 min mini rant on how disgusting i find long nails (Even though my white trash family consist of many fake-long-nailed women) my mother had to let it go.

Even though I was upset, i didn't eat food, I didn't even feel the urge, i just got up and walked away. Even sitting here, i'm annoyed with the whole siutation, and i'm not eating anything. i'm rolling my eyes and planning on going on a walk before the sun sets.

that's behavior modification and without it, i'd be fatter than fat.