at the bookshelf site, fourflights posted something about a dog sweater. I'm not sure if she wanted to buy one, or if she was suggesting it because she didn't really say. This was the response she got:
"I'm glad the dire straights of poverty you'd been stricken by have passed. (smile)...I bet your headaches will vanish for different reasons now...brava Carolyn. xox."
Damn, way to put another person's private business out there like that. How socially ignorant must someone be? It reads like a backhanded compliment, you know the type: "For your age, you look great!" Why can't one just say "You look great"? The second half makes it more an insult than a compliment. I hope Four learns to not tell this sairi person anything personal again.
the "(smile)" and "brava" hint that it really wasn't meant as an insult, but it just reads like one to me. I could be wrong, but I hardly think it's appropriate to bring up someone's financial woes, unless they mention it in that post first. It wasn't like Four said she wanted the dog sweater, but couldn't afford it.
It's like meeting an acquaintance while out-and-about and right after the "hellos" asking "How's that case of crotch rot you had back in '94?" It's just Inappropriate, out-of-the-blue, and really unrelated to the point or the social circumstances. But one could make an argument that's par for the course for this person. How does one go about living a life communicating like that?
Believe it or not, there are classes one can take when they have this problem, to teach individuals how to fit in socially. Because some people just don't "get it." It's as if while the rest of us internalized basic social rules, like standing in line at a store, or chewing with closed mouthes, some people never figured it out. It isn't because they're ignorant on purpose, like some people, it's that they really just missed that part of life.
I know Bert, you're going to make an argument about "to each his own" etc. and who am I to insist on social rules that we're supposed to internalize? However, when we learn and follow some social rules, all societies have them, it makes things easier. Sure some people are known for marching to their own drum and being brilliant, but most of them are also known as major assholes to the people who have to put up with them. Since I am not in the "obscure, unsocialized genius" group, I know I'm in the "god I have to put up with that asshole" group. Being a member of the "tolerating" group, I'd rather not have to tolerate someone who's an asshole if I didn't have to. I'm not like Bert, I don't have the cat gene. I don't like to play with my food, or in his case, I don't want to poke a stick at the crazies for the giggles.
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That whole asshole ethos is why I gave up on that particular group. It didn't bring me any happiness for the last couple of years I spent there (or at its sister site). Every once in a while I'll glance over the posts, but most days, I have forgotten all about it. Why spend time with people who most likely despise you?
ReplyDeleteDear lord, there's a sister site?
ReplyDeleteIt was an older sister, and she died.
ReplyDeletethe reason i stopped participating exactly.
ReplyDeleteah, so i didn't read it wrong? it was an asshole thing to say? good. sometimes it's hard to tell on the Internet, but it just seemed mean to me.
ReplyDeleteI don't mean to be mean to you, but what about your reposting it? Isn't that mean?
ReplyDeleteJenny, maybe it was, i dunno. If it was mean to repost it, I am sorry to four. My intention was reposting it as a thrid party discussing a social quandry. I don't often post at that site or comment there really. Like tree said, it's often draining. I really was shocked at what i saw as a large insult/faux pas. Four doesn't seem to be offended, so perhaps it wasn't an insult after all?
ReplyDeleteI can only judge what I would like said about me, and that wouldn't be it. In my experience, there are often levels of comfort with people online. There are a few people I trust with information, and I wouldn't expect that strata to appear just anywhere.
ReplyDeleteI'd have to say about 50% of my students fall into the lacking in social norms category. It's usally a lack of training thing, but there are also a number who fall into "I don't give a flying **&^" attitude too. Then, there are those in both online and offline life who simply like to provoke and ignore the social rules.
ReplyDeleteThe thing about communication on the net is that it is both public and private at the same time. If ,for example, we take the bit that was reposted, we also have to think about the fact the two people involved have a history, and a set of private communcations, that we the public readers know nothing about. So what may strike us as rude, may in fact, be a private joke. We simply do not know. It's rather like trying to do an algebra problem, only to learn that one of the variable was actually a typo.
I have to say that in my 15 years online, I have seen some of the most horrible things people can say to each other said. I have seen huge scale lies enacted. Yet, when I have been appalled by these things, I've been in the minority, and I've often been told to get a sense of humor. What I have learned is not to say anything unless I know the whole of the communications.
There are, however, people I have met online that I treasure--whether I've met them personally or not. I know, as well, that my communcations with them may look odd to outsiders, but the intended audience understands it. That, then, is what matters.
curiosity got the better of me and i looked. it does appear that you were spot on jilly. sahara or whatever her name is did not mean her comments in a loving way as you will see from the ongoing dialogue.
ReplyDeleteclassless.
on a cheery note. your gift arrived. thank you so much. you are a darling.
ReplyDeleteI still reckon nothing can top Tater's grain truck accident in my book.. I cried over it, thinking poor poor woman. And, I reckon I can be made to cry again over something online, given the correct set of circumstances. I am not nearly as cynical about folks as maybe I should be. To me,, why bother lying? the truth in each of our lives is weird enough. Sheila 222 (oh, except my name, that's a lie, but you all know that, so is an open secret a lie? i see it as some small cloak of secrecy against those I wish not to "know" me)
ReplyDeleteAnd why doesn't Four seem offended? Because sometimes it's just easier to ignore the assholes than rise to the bait.
ReplyDeleteIt's not right to put someone else's business out there. it's just wrong.
ReplyDelete